End-of-year ramblings and general update
December 31, 2014 update
I've had a bunch of things to write for a while, just never really got around to it, so I figured I could do it here for a lovely end-of-year update... So here goes (it's going to be lengthy)!
Showing the way? But what way?
One thing I've been told by some of my friends that I went to school with and such, is that I apparently was some sort of "role model", for lack of better word. Basically they've told me that I was looked up to, because I was someone who showed what was possible to do. I'm honestly not entirely sure what exactly I did, I mostly just did whatever I felt was right and went the path I thought best for me - I certainly didn't try to lead anyone, nor did I consider myself special in any way. I just did things the way I wanted them to be done, despite the "trouble" it got me in.
I'm guessing that part of it is that I broke away from the norm, in a way. I was early on the computer stuff and quickly became good at it. I dropped out of school, because yeah, not my scene, and started working in a fairly new field as well (web development). I was suddenly working with something new and exciting, while the rest of my friends were still doing the school thing. I basically just jumped at the chance I got through all the time I spent not doing school stuff (while I was in school), because it was the better choice for me. Whatever the case it's nice that they told me and hopefully what I'm doing now can also show what's possible to do: Coming back from a point where I thought it would never ever get better and I couldn't see a way out.
It also got me thinking: It's kind of how I am - and have always been. I do things my way, which often is the hard way (or so it seems), but it's the way I feel is right for me, even if I do end up in some "impossible" situations at times. Just to quote The Offspring here, from their The Meaning of Life song:
"By the way I know your path has be tried and so it may seem like the way to go - me, I'd rather be found trying something new. And the bottom line in all of this seems to say, there's no right and wrong way. Sorry if I don't feel like living the way you do."
Naturally I'm not the only one to do that, not even close, but it seems to fit for me at least. I will take some "crazy" paths if I think they're worth it, no matter what I'm "supposed to do" or what the "norm" is (that's a loose term today as it is).
Even more so I'm doing that now - picking crazy paths. I've lost a lot of my life, and while it has had its plusses, it has largely been a negative. I'm not about to try and relive what I lost, thinking I should act like I'm 25 (hey, I already act like I'm 12 most of the time - I'm a kid at heart! ;)), but I'm sure as hell going to put effort into making my future awesome, and I don't care what that takes. I'm on a completely crazy path right now, but I know it is worth it, so I will walk it. You have to fight for what you believe in and what you want, even if it seems impossible or it gets hard. Giving up doesn't give you anything, so if you want something to happen you put in the work needed, even if people tell you it's crazy. It's your life and if it's the right thing to do for you, then you go do it.
A friend and friends in general
I have a good friend who told me something a while back - something that made me both happy and sad. He told me that I was the first real friend he ever had. I'm obviously happy that we found each other and I could be a friend to him. Sad that it somehow took this long for it to happen for him (he was around 18 at the time, if I recall correctly). Sad because it means that a lot of people have missed out on what a great person he is, and that's a damn shame. Not to mention the many years where he's been without a proper friend, especially during a very trying period of his time. Luckily he's still here and he has many more friends now. I'm happy to see where he's gotten from when I met him and I'm most of all happy to also call him a friend.
A lot of this friends business and hearing what others have gone through with other people, some they might consider friends, is very alien to me. I've been fortunate to have some really amazing friends, something I'm very grateful for. I've lost friends naturally, but not due to "bad" things, but merely just drifting apart as life goes on.
Part of me doing this entire thing here, with the website, telling the world about what's going on with me, was to tell those friends where I had gone - what had happened, because they really had no idea. During this time I had a sort of core group of friends, that albeit wasn't very involved in my life during the worst time, which was my doing, are still around, still my friends and still the same great people.
Removing the mask and reaching out
Another thing that I don't think I've mentioned before, is that doing this website was way better than I imagined. The reason is quite simple: I don't have to hide anymore. It's out there. I spent so much energy previously trying to keep up a mask and it drained me. I couldn't let people see what was going on. How shit things really were. Just how utterly broken I felt. But now? It doesn't matter. It's out there and it's such a relief.
If you are in a similar situation I can only suggest considering doing the same. Obviously it has to be something you're prepared to do, which might not be where you are at now. But give it some thought. Ask yourself what you're really hiding from. For me a part of it was that I didn't want to show weakness. I didn't want to show that everything had basically fallen apart and my life had been smashed into pieces - and I had no idea how to put it back together. But the thing is... I could probably have gotten way more help and understanding if I hadn't hid from the world. In all honesty I probably didn't do myself any favours doing that, but it is of course hard to tell the world that you've been defeated and you need help, especially when you're knee deep in it.
As I've said before: You're more than likely a lot less alone than you think and there's more than likely people who are willing to help if you reach out. But they can't read minds so you have to take the first step when you are ready.
Into the past
I've recently reconnected with my ex-girlfriend and that has been a pleasant experience as well. There's no "bad blood" between us nor any thoughts about us getting back together (that was decided when it ended regardless) - all of that is done with and we've both moved on. Knowing that of course means we can speak more freely and we've even talked about some of the time when we were together, because I asked about it.
I asked because back when it ended she told me that I had changed, something I never really understood - until recently, and that's why I asked her about it. Basically what had happened, and a big reason she couldn't keep going on, was that I had basically shut her out. Not intentionally, obviously, but I had fortified myself more and more in my little bubble where I felt in control and I couldn't let her in. I didn't have the capacity to "deal with her" (that sounds much worse than intended) because my life was in pieces. Despite having her in my life and despite her wanting to nothing but help me, I just couldn't handle it. And that's really silly, because I'm sure she could have helped me, but I didn't let her, because I just couldn't have her in the turmoil that was my life.
I spent a lot of time playing computer and what not, where I might have seemed somewhat functional, talking and playing with friends, but she got next to nothing. That is rough. Very rough. Now add to it that all she wanted was to help. She had all this strength and love that she wished could make things better for me, but at that point it just couldn't. It might have been possible had I been more aware, if I had changed my perspective and focus, but I was broken - I just couldn't deal. Obviously I wasn't even aware of what I was doing, because everything was happening inside my bubble where I was in control, something I needed to be.
This realization naturally also means that I'm certainly not going to make that mistake again and I have already changed because of it.
Being kind and resting in the moment
I still do what I can to be kind to people. I had another chance at it while at the doctor's office waiting for my turn. I had sat there for a while (I think it was 20 minutes past when my appointment was, no idea, didn't check the time), but this elderly lady had been there longer than me. So when my time came, I told the doctor to just take her before me. What I didn't know was that it was actually a more appropriate gesture than initially thought, since she was from out of town and had to get home and make dinner for guests she had coming over (this was fairly late in the day, I might add) - on top of that her appointment was actually after mine.
Another lady also waiting then addressed me and told me that was very gentleman like of me and not something you see often. I thanked her and said I wasn't a big deal. I had no issue waiting 5 more minutes, so there was no skin off my nose letting this elderly lady get in before me, especially not when she was in a bit of a hurry at this point.
In all honesty it was fine with me just sitting there doing nothing. I didn't have my phone out. I didn't check the time. I just sat there and found some peace being where I was in that moment, which was doing nothing. I'm stressed so it only does me good doing nothing, something I have a hard time doing as is.
When the elderly lady came back out I was a little surprised. She thanked me of course, but it really felt like it was a huge surprise that someone actually did that for her and that she didn't really know how to handle it. I naturally told her to think nothing of it and that I didn't mind doing it. But it did surprise me that she was almost shocked about the whole thing. It's kind of sad in a general sense that it's seemingly so rare that people do nice things for others...
Exercise and stress
I've intensified my exercise and it's going quite well, so that's great! Still have some way to go, after all I'm making up for a decade of neglect, but it's going in the right direction and I'm keeping at it.
Still stressed all over the place. Still don't really know how to properly deal with it yet, but still determined to find a solution.
I'm still determined to reach what has been the goal the entire time and I'm making progress, so I'll keep pushing forward.
Besides that I wish you all a happy new year and I hope 2015 will be an awesome year! :)